Archive for the ‘Just Shoot Me Now’ Category

I do math all day at work

For those of you who attempted to comment while I was on hiatus from blogging, THANK YOU and SO SORRY I it took me so long to find you! All comments are now approved.

Where have I been? I wish my answer were more interesting: I’ve been working late nights. I was approved for a “reasonable accommodation” at my job, due to my morning dizzy spells. Now I get to work when I can and put in my time. When I get home from work it’s usually well past dark, and Spooky (bless him) usually has dinner on the table or is about to. No time for blogging! After dinner, I look after the cats and go to bed.

As Time Goes By . . . still a lot of catching up to do

On weekends we play catch-up, same as any 2-career couple with full lives.  No time for blogging! On my days off I’m at my other house, painting and spackling and sanding, getting it ready for a sale this spring. Yes, I’m selling the house!

I’m exhausted. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see Judi Dench staring back at me. Which wouldn’t be a problem – I mean, she’s a great actress and looks great – but she’s 78 years old! I’m fortysomething!  I hope she was fortysomething when she did As Time Goes By, because I swear I can relate to her character.

Will I keep blogging? I want to, so I believe I will.


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. . .  so I decided to write a post in response to a post by Michelle at Living With Bob. What would I write to a person newly diagnosed with dysautonomia?

First I’d say, oh hey HI!  Then I’d say I’m so sorry you have to go through this, especially the frustration of dealing with a medical establishment that doesn’t know what to do with you.  But if it makes you feel any better, there are a LOT of people with nerve disorders on the internet, mostly ‘cuz there’s nowhere else to go.

Not that we all call it Dysautonomia, because many of us never heard of that particular term. Only one doctor, an endocrinologist, has used the word with me, right before he said “but that’s not my specialty” and pushed me out of his office.

Sometimes I call myself Randomly Autoimmune, because at least most people understand that. Whatever it is though, you and I have got it, “it” being a syndrome of annoying, frustrating, painful and sometimes life-threatening nerve symptoms that go by many names because there are so many ways the disorder can express itself within the body.

Fainting Goats . . . although they don’t really faint.

Sometimes I pass out.  My mother and sister have the same thing; my sister is on a pacemaker now. Vasovagal syncope appears to run in some families.  At least my mother and I are no longer misdiagnosed as having seizure disorders, because it’s a bitch to get insurance and obtain a drivers lisense when the world thinks you’re epileptic.

Then there are the other symptoms. Sometimes I can’t stay dehydrated no matter how hard I try to drink plenty of water.  I also eat plenty of salt, but there are days when the fainting and peeing are so bad, the only thing I can do is head to the ER with chest pains so that I can get an IV hookup.  It’s expensive, but it is what it is, and no, there is not other option for me at this particular point in time:  All my diagnostics have come out normal.    I’m “fine.” There is nothing wrong with me. Officially.

Our symptoms, our “episodes,” may SEEM random, but there is a trigger, I’m sure of it.  We just don’t know what it is yet.  I’m still experimenting, and keeping an eye out on the horizon and my ear to the ground for a cure. In the mean time, the following approaches, achieved by trial and error over a decade, have made the difference between my having a public life, and being stuck in bed. As always, Your Mileage May/WILL Vary (YMWV), but if I can save you 10 years of trial and error, perhaps my Lost Decade will have been worth the while.

But do my self-treatment strategies WORK?

It’s hard to say, when n=1.  My experimentation is not scientific.  However, I can say this for sure:  Once life brought me to #7 I had things pretty well under control, and I was feeling pretty good. Last August 2012, I decided to take a break from all of my restrictions, supplements and coping mechanisms, and “see what happened.”  I ate what I wanted. I quit taking all my dietary supplements.  And I ended up in the emergency room three times in four months! 

I had just one ambulance ride, fortunately.  Then my eyebrows fell out.

By December I resolved to have just about every test on the planet to figure out what was wrong with me.  It was all very, very expensive.  I probably could have saved myself a lot of grief, and a ton of money, had I just stuck with the program.  In the four months since I’ve been vigilant with my diet and hormones, I’ve had a few wobbly mornings, but nothing serious. I have not passed out since November 2012.

And with THAT, here it is!  Anything in RED text is a link to another story.

1.  Some of this WILL be funny . . . someday.

My great grandmother had a crocheted poodle toilet paper cover.  I’ve been looking for one ever since.

Take Irritable Bowel Syndrome, for instance:  It’s basically neuropathy of the gut. Even with a blog I can’t post anything about it because it’s too embarrassing.  But now that a few years have passed I’ve realized some of my public episodes were HILARIOUS! I know I need to write them down, because they are stand-up-comedy material.  I figure someday, while drinking wine with friends, or rocking at the old folks’ home,  we’re going to get into a Top This! competition, and I am TOTALLY GOING TO WIN.

2. (2004) Gluten Free Living = WORTH IT

Gut Instinct 

(the above is a link to an old blog post)

Let me be clear on this:  I do not have coeliac disease. I have been tested.  I had a blood test and a biopsy, both negative. Today it seems everyone is trying* gluten-free because it’s sort of a fad, but ten years ago you couldn’t even find a loaf of bread that didn’t taste like sawdust.

But was 2004 and my hair was falling out.  I’d just suffered a miscarriage and the loss of a committed relationship and was feeling pretty devastated.   I was willing to commit to a gluten free diet to try to grow my hair back.

It didn’t work.  However, within about three weeks of giving up baked goods my osteo-arthritis in my neck cleared up completely.  I no longer had muscle spasms or joint pain.  I was able to quit my medications. My brain fog lifted considerably.

Relieved, and convinced I had coeliac disease, I sent a stool sample to Enterolab.  At the time I considered myself a progressive liberal, and was suffering from Bush Derangement Syndrome, so I felt a certain sort of satisfaction about mailing a bunch of steaming crap to Texas.  Anyway, the lab report came back with a diagnosis of gluten sensitivity:  Their cutoff score for celiac disease was 300 and mine was 298.  Close enough, you think?  The lab report also told me I had the gene that predisposes me to autoimmune disease, such as diabetes and arthritis so I needed to be extra careful.

I decided that it does not matter that I do not have celiac disease, because I get horrible nerve pain, diarrhea, muscle spasms, brain fog and joint pain after a few weeks of eating conventional baked goods.  When I stop eating them my symptoms eventually clear up, again, usually within two or three weeks. (UPDATE:  It might be the phytic acid in wheat that’s causing my problems).

So there you have it.  Being gluten free is worth the inconvenience, because I had not given up on gluten I might be dignosed with fibromyalgia today.

I can honestly say that despite all my auto-immune complaints, I DON’T get migraines or joint pain anymore. Knock on wood.

The nerve pain and brain fog, however, made their ugly reappearance during my late 30’s, with perimenopause. More on that in a moment.  In the mean time here are a few good links:

Glutenology Twitter feed

How Gluten can disrupt your hormones (YouTube video)

3. (2005) You can still be FABULOUS . . . it just takes a sense of humor, and the occasional good day.

I’d lose the cigarrette, though.

Dysautonomia will make you feel like crap some days, but okay on other days. Then there are days when you feel as though you beat the rap, found the cure, only to be flatted a day later by another episode. It’s times like these where you take your pleasures whenever and wherever you can, such as a bubble bath, for instance, supervised if necessary.  Some doctors might tell you to avoid alchohol but you know what?  It doesn’t matter. Have a glass of wine if you want.  If you’re stuck at home and it’s a beautiful day, don’t be sick indoors; be sick outdoors!  Bring sunglasses and a blanket, and just bask in the sun or under a tree if you’re sensitive.

I could devote my whole blog to being fabulous while struggling with a chronic illness. For now though I’ll provide just one example of how I dealt with this one thing: Alopecia (link to national website) 

This is the wig I’m wearing now

Alopecia will probably never happen to you.  However, if you have autoimmune problems and you are genetically susceptible, it’s possible your hair follicles may lose their immune privilege someday. It’s okay if your hair falls out.  Really.  It’s OKAY. I can even laugh about it now.  I even think I look better now than I did ten years ago, because now I have FABULOUS HAIR! That nobody can tell is totally fake. Underneath, I’m bald, because in 2005 I shaved what was left of my not-so-fabulous hair and moved on.

Shaving my head was NOT “giving up.”  On the contrary, it was my way of saying “Hair, you are being an asshole and I refuse to deal with you until you learn to behave.”   It might grow back. Or, maybe not. It doesn’t really matter.

3.  (2005-2012) Get Cultured

Coconut kefir smoothies . . . mmmmm.

The 411 on IBS and Kefir (from National Kefir Association)

Because my nerve symptoms include tummy trouble (which I’ve had since age 13) I usually avoid cow’s milk, unless it’s cultured, or unless I’m traveling or have company or . . . or it’s CHEESE . . .  well sometime it’s just hard to avoid. Then I can’t go to the bathroom, which is also hard. Then my body tries to reject it all at once and, well, that’s when things get REALLY difficult.

Anyway, sheep and goat’s milk seems to bother me less than cow’s milk does, but that may just be because sheep and goat milk cheeses are expensive, so I don’t get to eat much of them.  Coconut milk makes a decent substitute in recipes, and I eat a lot of leafy greens to get my calcium.

One kind of dairy that really does seem to help me, however, is kefir. Yogurt not so much.  I think it’s because kefir has bifidobacteria and most commercial yogurts do not.  More on probiotics in a minute.

4. (2006, 2010) For the Ladies: Watch your monthly cycle, but think twice before trying The Pill

Vida Man Infra

(the above is a link to another story)

Bottom line here is hormonal flucturations can coincide with the worsening of your dysautonomia symptoms. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that most women with dysautonomia also have trouble with their hormones.  Both the nervous and endocrine systems are controlled by the hypothalamus!

Birth control pills, however, are probably not the answer.  They might ease symptoms at first.  However over time, at least in my experience it takes about 6 months, they only cause more trouble. I blame the synthetic progestins that the body doesn’t quite know what to do with.  The body needs real progesterone, but if you’re on the pill you’re not ovulating so you’re not getting it, and that’s a big problem.  Estrogen, progesterone and thyroid are meant to play nice together, but when estrogen is unopposed by progesterone it interferes with proper thyroid function, and that can make your dysautonomia symptoms that much worse. More on that in a minute.

5. (2007)  PLEASE don’t be insulted if a doctor suggests a brain pill.

Your dysautonomia is real.  You are not crazy. However, dysautonomia can make you feel that way.  Nerve pain, bewilderment, and lack of social and medical support can also make you feel anxious and depressed, and even cause panic attacks. Panic attacks are no joke: You feel as though you are dying.  Any doctor who shrugs them off is an asshole.

But the doctor who suggested anti-anxiety meds?  He or she is not an asshole.  He or she is really trying to help you, and s/he may be on to something. Let me explain.

Low dose antidepressants MAY help you, and not just your mood!  Some anti-depressants are being used “off label” to treat nerve pain, especially those in the “tricyclic” class and drugs that act on serotonin, GABA and dopamine.   This is because, surprisingly, the body processes physical pain and emotional pain in the same manner. Pain is pain!

I used to think all brain meds needed to pass the blood/brain barrier to work, so I was amazed lately to discover how many brain neurotransmitter receptors live in the gut.  However, antidepressants are side effects and they don’t work for everyone.  They saved my life many years ago when I needed them, but I don’t take them anymore.

6. (2010) Learn the Signs.


 In February of 2010 my blood platelets lost their immune privelege and I almost died.  I wrote about in the above post (link to Red Dawn).

What’s the final takeaway, given it probably will never happen to you? When you are ill, sometimes you don’t have the cognitive wherewithal to do critical self-care.  You need to rely on objective measures, and sometimes other people.

If you live with another person, defer to his or her judgment when it comes to whether or not to call the doctor or head to the emergency room.  On a good day, come to some kind of an accord, i.e., “When X happens we’ll do Y.”  It reduces the drama, which nobody needs.

If you live alone, you have a challenge, because a really bad day can sneak up on you.  SO: On a good day, come up with your objective criteria, i.e., “When X happens I’ll do Y and if that doesn’t work I’ll do Z.” When I lived alone, I left notes around the house to myself, just in case.  My favorite was a piece of paper I had taped to my bathroom mirror:  It said BREATHE. Beneath that note was another piece of paper that said “Laugh at that, because it really is very funny.”  My body actually “forgets” to breath sometimes, hahah!

7. (2011) Your hormones might need a boost to get back in balance.

In My Shoes

 It’s a chicken or egg thing: Can unbalanced hormones give a person dysautonomia?   Or can dysautonomia give a person unbalanced hormones? I suspect the two problems feed off each other.  I’ve discovered bio-identical hormone replacement  (BHRT) in very small doses, done in such a way as to mimic a normal menstrual cycle,  has relieved ALL – all! – wow! – all of my annoying hormonal symptoms, and improved my dysautonomia symptoms.  It’s nothing short of a miracle.

These are the three hormones I supplement these days:  Estradiol, progesterone, and thyroid.   Since my thyroid levels are technically “normal” I’m using thyroid supplements from my local health food store. The estrogen and progesterone I get from my gynecologist.

I took DHEA for awhile but the reaction I got (acne) was all I needed to know that I did not really need it.

If you are in your 20’s or 30’s, you are NOT “too young” for progesterone and/or thyroid meds, especially if you’ve been ill.  When women are ill or under stress, ovulation can be disrupted, which can cause hormone imbalances. Had I discovered BHRT in my 30’s instead of my mid-40’s my life would have been much more pleasant. It’s worth finding a naturopath willing to work with you to get the hormone support that you need.

8.  (REAL) Progesterone is neuro-protective.

Again, I believe bio-identical Hormone replacement therapy (BHRT) has dramatically improved my symptoms.  However, HRT is controversial and very political. I agree that conventional HRT can be very bad news for a lot of women.  The estrogen doses are too high and the progestins are of limited use to the body. Unfortunately there are powerful pharmaceutical industry interests at stake when it comes to medical consensus on how to manage menopause and its symptoms. It’s confusing enough having to wade through it all without having to deal with the additional confusion of the definition of “bio-identical.” It’s worth doing the homework, however, even if you’re in your 20’s or 30’s, because bio-identical progesterone may help some of your dysautonomia symptoms:

NY Times article:  Progesterone May Play a Major Role in the Prevention of Nerve Diseases

Scientific article:  Progesterone: Therapeutic Opportunities for Neuroprotection and Meylin Repair

Unfortunately, conventional medical doctors won’t offer HRT as an option until a blood test shows you in near-menopause.  If you’re in your thirties or even your forties, your typical gynecologist will offer you birth control pills instead, which are no good because they contain “progestins” or “progestogens,” which are not real progesterone. You need the real deal.

Finally, some balance

Even after a blood test FINALLY showed me as pre-menopausal, I had to pitch a fuss and switch doctors to get bioidentical progesterone.  I’m so glad that I did, so even if you are still in your childbearing years I highly recommend finding a doctor who understands the benefits of natural, bio-identical progesterone.  These doctors have books that may help:

Dr. Sarah Gottfried’s blog,  AKA the Organic Gynecologist.  She’s the author of  The Hormone Cure

Uzzi Reiss’s website.  He’s the author of Natural Hormone Balance for Women

The Late Dr. John Lee’s classic: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Pre-Menopause

9.  Don’t get hung up on labels.

Now that you have a dignosis and have found other bloggers, don’t be too attached to labels or seek support only from our small-but-growing dysautonomia community:  You may someday encounter a kindred spirit with fibromyalgia, or celiac disease, or orthostatic intolerance (POTS), or alopecia areata, or diabetes, or irritable bowel syndrome. Every symptom has its own internet forum, but the bottom line is that we all have IT, some kind of an autoimmune nerve disorder that SUCKS.  We all “get” you.  We’ve been from doctor to doctor. We’ve all felt embarrassed, frightened, insulted, misdiagnosed, and written off.  Over time and through trial and error we’ve found ways to cope, and we can learn from each other.

10. Gaba Daba DOO!  On finding gold at the Vitamin Shoppe.


For nerve management at PMS-time, today I prefer herbal remedies like pharmaceutical grade GABA. (by the way that link is to the only brand I trust – others have not worked for me).  

I also find that  Liquid magnesium/calcium supplements (more absorbable than pills) and magnesium oil (rubbed on my legs) also have a noticeable effect on my nervous system.

When my scalp and wrists give me nerve pain, I use a homeopathic capcaicin (red pepper) cream.  It’s very effective.

You can find more in this Psychology Today article:  Eliminate Nerve Pain Naturally

11.  Eat like a diabetic, even if you’re not.

There is SO much to learn about blood sugar and auto-immune/nerve disorders that I don’t even know when to begin.  I don’t have diabetes, but I have noticed my eyesight gets worse when my blood levels are (presumably) high.  I also pee more when I eat sugar, which is a big problem for me since I have a hard enough time remaining hydrated.

I’ve also noticed how my dysautonomia symptoms SEEM too improve when I keep my blood sugar steady.  I say “seem” because who knows?  I may be rudely jerked out of my assumption someday.  But for now I’m paying close attention to my blood sugar levels:  Not to high, not too low, but just right, with the appropriate mixes of proteins, fats and carbohydrates. My kidneys, and probably my spleen too, have been thanking me.

12. Eat your water!

If you have trouble remaining hydrated, and pee like you’re on speed, stop with the glasses of water already.  It’s clear that drinking those “eight glasses per day” doesn’t work for us.

Take this tip from Dr. Murad’s The Water Secret and start drinking your food and eating your water.  Once I started living on soup and smoothies my whole system has functioned SO much better.  I was even able to give up the Gatorade!

13. Bugs can be drugs!

I’ve also rekindled my interest in certain probiotics since my discovery of the Microbiome Project.  This (Probifia) is what I’m taking now, and afterwards I’m going to add as many beneficial strains of bacteria I can find. When it comes to intestinal flora variety is good.

Specifically, these are the many ways probiotics can help someone with dysautonomia:

I have definitely noticed a difference since I’ve made a concentrated effort to introduce more probiotics to my system. I make sure they are enteric coated and refrigerated so they make it to my intestines still alive.

As I mentioned earlier above, kefir is also helping me a lot, so much that when I stop drinking it for a week or two I notice a difference.

14. The Future is Bright!

Right now, there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to many of our dysautonomia symptoms.  But they only seem random.  There is a trigger; we just don’t know what it is yet.  Fortunately, researchers may be on to something, and that’s why I still have hope.

I believe that someday ALL auto-immune type nerve disorders will respond positively to the same kinds of treatments, once the researchers figure it out.  They may be getting close with the Microbiome Project, although targeted treatments for specific autoimmune disorders may be 10-15 years away.  I think I can make it . . . How about you? What’s been helping you?

Economist article:  The Human Microbiome

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Newt (noun)–a small, slimy, cold-blooded reptile with a primitive brain.

Newt Gingrich is not a lobbyist, or a womanizer, he insists!  No: He gives “strategic advice, from the private sector.”  He’s a consultant, especially to women’s ladyparts, and besides, he only actually married a few of them, and only dumped those when they got sick after he found someone newer/younger/dumber to put up with him.  

Those things “happened to him.”  They happened because he loved his country so much. Very unfortunate.  But God forgave him, the GOP will forgive him too!  And now that he’s getting older, slower and even uglier, even less likely to score now that he can’t pay off his account balance at Tiffany, Newt Gingrich has pledged to give up chasing tail, which is a bit like saying he’ll give up liver for Lent. While he’s at it though, he’ll also deny women abortion, oppose gay marriage, and decry Sharia law despite the fact he probably doesn’t even know what it is.*  Fixed!  He can run for president now! 

(Psst: Mr. Gingrich didn’t actually sign that pledge. Three other GOP presidential hopefuls have signed it, however.)

An advertisement for an online dating service called Ashleymadison.com which describes itself as the “the world’s premier extra-marital dating site”

Right wing talk show host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich $1,000,000 to drop out of the race, but I don’t think Newt will accept it.  Men of Newt’s calibre are very weird about power. And what about those 85 ethics violations that got Newt run out of Congress, are the party faithful going to forgive him for those, too?  Actually, the Powers behind the GOP are hoping senility has set in with those who’d otherwise remember how much of a sleaze Newt was while he was Speaker of the House.

Newt’s battery operated blowup doll seems to approve of recent developments. Either that, or she “found some pills, and she eated them.”  Huh, you’d think by now they would be able to get the eyes right on those political wife androids.   Anyway, I wish those two a lifetime of happiness, just not in the White House. Egad. 

I didn’t watch the Dimwit Derby the other night.  I just couldn’t, because the GOP Clown Show is all the proof you need of how desperately the elites want us to re-elect Obama in 2012.  No matter which Republican candidate takes the nomination, he will be a non-choice, and on that I’ll place my last $10,000.

* There is no one “sharia law.”  Sharia is Arab for “The Path” and consists of principles and precepts whose interpretations can vary from country to country, even from village to village. A few rural backwaters in some Arab countries have brutal interpretations of what “justice” and “propriety” mean.

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Grumpy Old Men indeed:

ATLANTA—Frederick Thomas, 73, of Cleveland, Ga.; Dan Roberts, 67, of Toccoa, Ga.; Ray H. Adams, 65, of Toccoa; and Samuel J. Crump, 68, of Toccoa, were arrested today relating to plans to obtain an unregistered explosive device and silencer and to manufacture the biological toxin ricin for use in attacks against other U.S. citizens and government personnel and officials.

If you read the news, please notice how nowhere is the race, nationality or religion of this terror cell mentioned.  This is because because when white christians commit terrorist acts they are “lone wolves” or “lone nuts,” unlike those scaree mooslims, who are all radical terrists because, uh, sharia!   Totally logical!  So you see these guys were all just lone wolves. Four lone nuts each a “lone wolf” attacker, who like true lone wolves were actually part of a wolf pack, see?  Just have another gulp of that bourbon, because it only makes sense if you’re drunk.  

The FBI complaint alleges that in October 2011, the fellow Crump sourced the raw materials to make ricin and said he and his buds were going to make 10 pounds of it and disperse it in various cities. He discussed having a “bucket list” of government officials, business leaders and members of the media who needed to be “taken out” . . .  because that would solve . . . uh . . . what problem exactly?  I didn’t get that part.  Maybe I need another drink.

Oh wait yes I did read it somewhere: “To save the Constitution.”  It reminds me of another South Park episode, with the underpants gnomes saying first we steal the underpants . . .

1. Steal underpants
2. ?
3. Profit!

Since the destroyers of the Constitution aren’t even within these lone nuts’ gun sights I don’t get how executing this grand master plan would save the Constitution. Maybe they can explain this during their confessions; i.e., how a bunch of globalist economic hit men, none of whom would work for the government on a dare, would be devastated by these geezers gone rogue and decide oh, nevermind, here’s your Constitution, we had it here in our pockets the whole time. Huh? 

Then pour yourself another because it gets even better:  All four suspects reportedly retired from government agencies or contractors.  These Geriatric jihadis all used to work for the government and are all now pissed off at all those government employees!  You see it’s all those OTHER government employees, destroying the Constitution. Apparently they suffer no cognitive dissonance from this.  They don’t realize that, following their own logic they are part of their own problem and could’ve saved everyone the trouble by sniffing some ricin.

Now it’s time to add a handful of crazypills to your bourbon chaser:  The man who inspired this terrorist cell is an occasional guest on Fox News and the author of the book Absolved, about people who, well I guess, make ricin and kill government employees or something?  Really?  Oh, and this takes the cake:  This author/Fox news “expert,” this anti-government agitator, Tea Party leader and now inspiration apparently, lives on government disability checks.

Wait a minute . . . Is this a parody?  Or, perhaps, completely staged? Was this a sting operation, with Crump the paid instigator?  I’d type something like you just can’t make this shit up, but really, it’s so crazy it sounds made up.  Imagine a bunch of COINTELPRO agent getting drunk and then one of them saying  “Hey listen to this . . .we could . . .”

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You’re kidding, right? I have so much work to do I could cry.  It’s my day off and I have to work anyway.

But I may be able to fit something in. Maybe a bath.  I could use a bath.

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Is my old brain back.  Actually, it hasn’t been so great for a few years. Can I go back to my 1988 brain?

It was once thought that lack of estrogen was responsible for memory loss in women beginning their trips toward menopause.  Fortunately the medical establishment has changed its mind because if I were to start taking estrogen now I would go MAD.  Estrogen dominance or estrogen depletion?   Estrogen can spike and dip erratically during perimenopause. Do I supplement, or not? GAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Fortunately it’s not a dilemma I need to face:  Researchers have discovered that although estrogen is important for vasomotor skills and brain functioning, estrogen does little to improve a bad memory.  Still, you’ll find all sorts of advice all over the internet that the answer to menopausal memory loss is estrogen hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  The drug companies gotta make their profits donchaknow, nevermind that HRT contributes to estrogen dominance and makes things worse.

So. if estrogen loss isn’t the culprit, what is?  The good knews is also the bad news:  The symptoms of menopause themselves are responsible for the cognitive problems.  Hot flashes and sleep loss.  Heavy menstruation, mood swings. Hormone fluctuations and imbalance, basically.  They cause anemia and massive stress, which in turn cause memory loss. It really is that simple.

First, let’s talk about all the blood loss:  I don’t care how smart and determined you are, because when not enough blood gets to the brain you’ll start experiencing memory loss, period. No pun intended. I can report from direct personal experience that blood loss causes brain fog and confusion, and a complete lack of awareness or caring that one might actually die from it.

An acute bleed, on the other hand, can mess with the mind. “When patients bleed significantly from a hemorrhage and they are anemic, until they get replenished with blood they may end up having cognitive dysfunction because of loss of oxygen to the brain,” says Shander. 

“Some women can be chronically anemic from heavy periods. They may need to stay on long-term iron therapy until bleeding is managed or stops with menopause,” Lukes says.

– Pumping Iron: Replenishing Iron After Anemia

Even more importantly, being jerked around by one’s hormones is extremely stressful and exhausting, especially when PMS morphs into PMDD, where even suicidal thoughts, even if unwarranted and unwanted, can haunt the mind.  It craps out the adrenals, which then can’t create important hormones because they’re too busy making cortisol to deal with the stress. Stress leads to cognitive trouble, which leads to relationship problems, which create more stress, including stress blackouts, the penultimate form of memory loss, second only to alzheimers.

It’s a vicious cycle. Women feel terrible, don’t perform well and feel guilty about it.  They feel as though they’re not good enough mothers. They feel like they’re screwing up at work (they probably are). Their relationships with friends and loved ones crash upon the rocks. Mind over matter doesn’t work, which causes even more stress. 

Worse of all, the people around them don’t understand what’s going on, and thus offer no support whatsoever.  Instead of support, women just get anger, blame, rejection, and when a loved one has a sadistic streak, “punishment,” which only backfires, because the problem isn’t lack of discipline. On the contrary it causes even more stress, which only increases the odds of future blackouts. 

  guilt vs. remorse

So what to do? 

Do whatever I can to steady my hormones.  Other than that, the only apparent treatments are sleep, a good diet, a multivitamin, a mineral supplement, exercise and stress reduction. Menopause will solve the problem when it’s all over.  That’s it. That’s all I can do, besides ride it out. Which leads to the obvious question: What the fuck kind of solution is THAT?  I don’t have the time or leeway to wait. I’m only45.  I have people in my life and a technical and math-intensive job. But with the exception of a multivitamin or mineral supplement to eliminate any deficiencies there are no drugs, no “brain foods,” no herbal supplements that will do a damn bit of good. Women take black cohosh, but really, does it work? The jury is out.  It may only be good for hot flashes. Believe me, hot flashes are the least of my troubles.

I’ve checked my screaming oracles at ifate.com twice on this menopause madness.  The I-Ching has never let me down; I’m always able to come away from a reading with a good feel for what needs to be done.  Both times the message was, tough luck, there will be pitfalls, this is a test of faith, you need to remain vigilant and persevere, but resistance is futile.  The I-Ching actually said Resistance is futile.  I am not to fight with my mind, but just observe what it is doing. Wait it out. Rest. Spend some time alone. It’s temporary, and there will be deliverance and joy at the end. 

In the mean time . . . here’s what us ladies have to look forward to with perimenopause if we haven’t gone through it already. They look like the signs of early alzheimers, yes?  Fortunately alzheimers doesn’t run in my family. I can lick this memory problem I should remain sharp until my 100’s. Anyway, the ones with the red X are what I’m going through now:


  • Losing your train of thought more often than in the past X
  • Forgetting what you came into a room to get more than in the past X
  • Not being able to concentrate as well upon demand X
  • Feeling foggy, hazy, and cotton-headed and not being able to clear it up at will X
  • Experiencing a thought blockade: an inability to pull ideas out at will
  • Fluctuating agility in prioritizing as well as in the past


  • Naming difficulties for long-known names: children, best friends, things, places X
  • Finding yourself at a loss for words in how to express something while speaking
  • Experiencing “It’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t get it out” sensation
  • Making malapropisms: saying wrong words that are related some how to the intended one
  • Reversing whole words while speaking
  • Reversing the first letters of words while speaking
  • Experiencing “echo” words as unintentional intrusions into present speech
  • Relying on “filler” words more often: “whatchamacallit,” “that thing,” “you know what I mean” X
  • Organizing sentences and ideas less efficiently while speaking


  • Blinking social attention when interested and interacting: listening but not always attending X
  • Blanking-out amnesia for what you just did X
  • Experiencing increased distractability X


  • Forgetting what you just did, or past occurrences, with no threads of association to getting back to what’s missing: missing links X
  • Changing certainty in how words should be spelled in once good or great spellers X
  • Fluctuating agility in calculating and in “counting with a quick scanning look” X
  • Experiencing changes in the speed and accuracy of memory retrieval X
  • Forgetting the content of a movie right after seeing it but remembering your emotional reaction to it X


  • Making behavioral “malapropisms”: unintended slips in behavior that are related to the intended behavior somehow, such as putting shampoo inthe refrigerator X
  • Forgetting briefly how to do things long known, such as where to turn on the computer X
  • Feeling that automatic skills such as driving for a few moments are not “automatic” in the same way as usual
  • Dropping things more often that require fine finger/hand coordination X
  • Absentmindedly, leaving out or reversing letters in words while writing
  • Forgetting how to write a word in the middle of writing and having to leave blanks
  • Experiencing “translating” hesitations in converting what’s heard into writing
  • Not handling the same amount of stress in the same way X


  • Changing skill in remembering and/or recognizing faces (not well-known faces)
  • “Looking at but not seeing” what you are looking for when it’s right there ultimately, more than in the past X
  • Changing reading skill in visually “seeing” and comprehending reading material
  • Spending less time reading, without difficulties above (for formerly heavy-duty readers)
  • Forgetting briefly how to get to long-known landmarks in your life X
  • Experiencing familiar locales in one’s experience as momentarily unfamiliar X


  • Forgetting appointments more or not anticipating events of personal importance with the same accuracy as in the past X
  • Forgetting important events in your personal history timeline, i.e., which breast you had biopsied X
  • “Living more in the moment” out of necessity: a “spliced-film-frames” sense of personal time X

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Nice shoes

Well, goddammit.

My premenstrual dysphoria symptoms have returned (PMDD). This is not good:  Now Spooky gets to see a side of me I never wanted him to see.

The symptoms are worse than ever: I’ve graduated from imagining myself driving my car into a tree, to slitting my wrists in a bathtub a few days before and after my period begins.  Less mess that way, kind of a peaceful way to go.  But once I emerge back into normalcy I’m horrified, because no matter how bad things in life get I don’t want to die!

I have got to fix this.  Only three weeks until it comes again.  Next on the docket:

1. Progesterone cream and iodine to stabilize my estrogen-progesterone-thyroid triangle.  I have most of the symptoms of estrogen dominance and hypothyroidism, both of which exacerbate PMS symptoms. 

2. L-Tryptophan, a serotonin precursor. Two studies have shown that it provides relief from premenstrual dysphoria, if taken in large enough doses.

3. GABA, so long as my brain is leaky enough to benefit from it.

4. Dance class and/or yoga, which have proven positive effects on mood.  I haven’t been able to find anything local yet, unfortunately.

5.  No more birth control pills as they exacerbate estrogen dominance and can make PMS/PMDD symptoms worse.  Besides, I want to get a full hormone workup soon, and I don’t want synthetic hormones screwing with the results.  If I decide to go back on the pill I’ll try Yaz.

6. See my gynecologist.  It’s time to make an appointment with Dr. Cooter in any case, for my annual checkup.  I wonder what she thinks about voluntary hysterectomies.  Probably not much. I know she’ll recommend I switch to Zoloft. It’s better for PMDD than what I’m taking now, but Wellbutrin doesn’t give me the tedious side effects that Zoloft does.  I will only consider Zoloft as a very very very last resort, to keep my relationship with Spooky from mirroring the fall of Western Civilization.

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